I have been asked many times, What is this albinoTree? Where can I see one for myself? What’s it all about Al G? And though I randomly choose the name, I figured it was about time I found out just what this moniker of mine meant. So instead of making some stuff up like, “Albino is my full first name” or “I like the symbolic weight of a tree” or “I named myself after a graphic I made bored at work one day”, I figured I ought to do some research…and lo and behold… I found out FAR more than I could ever have imagined or dreamed up on my own!

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What does The albinoTree looks like?

*Though not an ash, the trunk of The albinoTree does have an ashy color.

*The albinoTree leaves are heart shaped, they follow the sun and when they rustle in the breeze it looks as if they are beating.

*The albinoTree comfortably sways along in the winds of change. 

*In the fall, as the albinoTree’s leaves start to shed, its bark seems to blush.

*The albinoTree appears to be reaching for the sky but is firmly planted. 

*The albinoTree concentrates of bearing one single perfectly symmetrical flawless fruit at a time.

*The albinoTree fruit seeds spread themselves.

*The albinoTree is said to grow by word of mouth.

*The albinoTree is lightning proof.

*Moss will not grow on an albinoTree nor will Poison Ivy dare cling to it.

*The circumference of an albinoTree never grows larger than the hug of an average sized man.

*The albinoTree usually can be found on the outskirts of the forest looking in.

*If ever there was a forest of albinoTrees, you could see the forest and the trees and IF one of them fell in that forest it could clearly be heard to say “excuse me”.

*The albinoTree is indigenous to Jerusalem, Mecca, St. Petersburg, Rome, Hollywood and the North Pole. It seems to grow wherever it is needed.

*Every Desert Oasis contains at least one albinoTree.

*The albinoTree is the only tree that will grow on One Tree Hill and could grow on top of Everest if it wanted to.

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What is the Nature of The albinoTree?

*Couples who carve their initials in a heart on an albinoTree, never breakup.

*Birds perch on the albinoTree because it listens.

*Dogs refuse to piss on an albinoTree.

*The only way to break a branch of the albinoTree is to hang a noose from it.

*Breathing albinoTree produced oxygen makes you high on life.

*You will never find a cat stuck in an albinoTree.

*No matter how hard you try, you cannot fall out of an albinoTree.

*You cannot write lies on paper made from albinoTree.

*Wood from an albinoTree does not drift.

*Redwoods are jealous of albinoTrees.

*Willow cannot bring themselves to weep when planted near an albinoTree.

*You can climb an albinoTree up to a window to profess your love but not to peep.

*albinoTree sticks cannot break your bones.

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What things are made from The albinoTree?

*The Yule Log is a piece of an albinoTree… it burns so long and steady you’d think it was fake.

*You can make bridges out of the albinoTree, but not fences.

*The most articulate smoke signals in the world are made from albinoTree smoke.

*Mistletoe is actually albinoTree saplings.

*The world’s best wines and whiskey ferment in casts made from albinoTree.

*There is no need to pressure treat wood from an albinoTree.

*Boats made out of the albinoTree cannot sink.

*You can go over the falls in a barrel, if that barrel is made from albinoTree.

*albinoTree paper cannot be used for speeding tickets.

*All peace pipes are whittled from albinoTree branches.

*You can’t make toilet paper out of an albinoTree.

*Stradivarius Violins, Steinway Pianos, Gibson Guitars & Gretsch Drums are all made from albinoTree.

*Supports for the Wright Brothers Plane were made out of albinoTree.

*The spruce Goose was NOT made out of an albinoTree or it would have flown much further.

*Noah’s ark was not built out of an albinoTree, but its rudder was.

*Novels written on albinoTree paper write themselves.

*All covered wagon’s that safely made it across the US to California were made from albinoTrees.

*All the frames in the Louvre, Prado and Met are made from albinoTrees.

*Most Irish pubs have a bar made of albinoTree or at the very least stools.

*The fingerboard of Django’s guitar was made from albinoTree.

*The guitars Townsend smashed, Hendrix burned and Kiss played were NOT made from albinoTree.

*When you paint your masterpiece your brush will have an albinoTree handle.

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Where does The albinoTree appear in history?

*If you try to hide behind an albinoTree, one of its branches will reach down and point you out, in fact, God was standing behind an albinoTree when he saw Adam bite the apple. God was going to ignore what he saw, but the albinoTree pointed him out to Adam and the rest is history.

*The yoke of the liberty bell is made out of albinoTree.

*The Declaration of Independence, the Bill of Rights and the scripts for Curb Your Enthusiasm were all written on albinoTree paper.

*The Swiss Family Robinson, Tarzan and the Keebler Elves ALL call an albinoTree home.

*Buddha found enlightenment, Newton found gravity and Rip van Winkle found rest under an albinoTree.

*The charter oak was actually an albinoTree in disguise.

*The branch the dove brought Noah was actually from an albinoTree.

*George Washington cut down the Cherry Tree and fessed up to distract his dad from the fact that he tried but failed to cut down an albinoTree.

*The first fire was started with kindling from an albinoTree.

*Joan of Arc’s Stake, Jesus Christ’s Cross and the Trojan Horse all NOT from an albinoTree.

*When John Wiles-Booth jump from Lincoln’s box, he broke his ankle because he landed on an albinoTree made stage.

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Where does The albinoTree appear in Literature & Art?

*The giving tree….you guessed it!

*Dali’s clocks are melting over an albinoTree abstraction.

*The next great American novel will be written on albinoTree paper.

*The third little pig actually built his house out of wood from an albinoTree but, everyone knows a wolf wouldn’t go anywhere near an albinoTree so the author had to change the last pigs house to brick.

*Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree was an albinoTree sapling.

*Paul Bunyan’s axe was not large enough to chop down an albinoTree.

*Jack went up a beanstalk but climbed down an albinoTree.

*Soma is not an albinoTree extract.

*In J.D. Salinger’s Rye field, there was an albinoTree guarding the other edge.

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Where does The albinoTree appear in Pop Culture?

*Wayne Gretzky stick was fashioned from an albinoTree.

*It was the albinoTree stage that made Dylan go electric at Newport in 65 (The handle of Pete Seeger’s Axe was not of albinoTree).

*In “Back to the Future II” the final log Doc throws in the engine furnace was made from albinoTree.

*An ant won’t go anywhere near an albinoTree much less try to move it.

*U2’s album the Joshua Tree was going to be called the albinoTree, but all the albinoTree’s they found made Bono look short.

*Ted Williams, Babe Ruth & Roger Maris all used albinoTree bats. Mark McGwire did not he used steroids.

*The National Enquirer once tried to use albinoTree made paper, but the ink would not stick.

*The albinoTree lets Chuck Norris punch it so he can build the calluses on his knuckles.

*Superman can’t see through an albinoTree, he doesn’t have too.

*All the seats in old Yankee stadium were made of albinoTree.

*Willy Wonka’s walking stick was made out of albinoTree.

*King Arthur’s Round Table was made out of albinoTree.

*Robin Hood’s favorite tree to hide in was an albinoTree.

*Glinda the Good Witch of the North rode an albinoTree broomstick.

*Pinocchio’s Nose was fashioned from albinoTree.

*The Snow White apple was NOT from an albinoTree.

*Dummy Charlie McCarthy was not made of albinoTree, nor was the pedestal Edgar Bergen rested *Charlie on during his performances BUT, the case he kept Charlie in was made of albinoTree. Sometimes it would stick closed for no apparent reason.

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….AND THAT IS JUST SCRATCHING THE SURFACE!